JIREH.

it’s been a long time since i’ve felt the ability to write here. to express delicately what i’ve been through lately. how to share my story in a way that is relatable and complete.

that’s the purpose of this site. it’s less about me and more about how my journey could affect someone else. but for a long time i haven’t been ready to express, to write. 

the past 6 months have been the hardest 6 months of my life. moving across the country, working an extremely demanding but equally rewarding job, dealing with a global pandemic, but the hardest part was finding myself through all of it. 

“who are you?”

“who do you want others to see you as?”

“what kind of person do you want to be?”

the first few months i was so caught up in trying to stay relevant in college life that i don’t think i had a moment to even process what i was dealing with. i didn’t want to lose my friends - which is ironic because in the end i did and it was the best part of me finding myself. i constantly lived on the phone, my face glued to a feed of information that was a never ending stream of drama. 

i quite literally could not escape this addiction to constantly keep myself in my college circles. i was the first in my friend group to graduate. and i’m here to tell you now, the people that matter, the ones who truly care about you, will always stand by you no matter what. the rest will fall away. and that’s a good thing. 

but i got tired of living my life vicariously through social media. i got tired of feeling distant and irrelevant. i felt like there was something else there. so i got rid of it. 

in about 2 months i reread the bible for the second time. every time i felt overwhelmed by anxiety or sadness or confused about my purpose i picked up my bible, turned off my phone, and spent time with God. 

for so long i allowed myself to be guided by the definitions the people around me labeled me as. labels i don’t need to go into further here because it would be a waste of my time to repeat things that are painful to remember. i never found myself because i was so busy being everything everyone else needed me to be instead of taking a singular moment to be myself. 

i began to fill my small apartment with the truth of God instead of repeating conversations and overthinking in my mind. i had on a Haven sermon as i was cleaning up and doing laundry and before i knew it Youtube had autoplayed something new, a song i had never heard. 

Jireh by Elevation Worship and Maverick City Music started illuminating my room. after it had played for about 30 seconds i stopped what i was doing and walked over to the TV and just watched these people truly worship God. 

i was so overcome by the Spirit in that moment. it was one of those moments where you feel like Jesus is sitting right there in the room with you. i don’t know how you imagine Jesus in the room with you, but i imagine He’s standing behind me fully embracing me. and in that moment i really think He was. it had been one of the hardest days of my life, where i literally thought things could not get any worse. and instead of feeling the weight of that i was given the chance to sit at His feet and ask for His mercy. 

life is HEAVY. life is hard. it is so hard to carry some days. but every day He is there lifting with me. from that moment in my room, sitting at the foot of my bed, tears streaming down my face, Jireh became my anthem, and His promise to me. 

Jireh is a Hebrew word meaning “The Lord Will Provide.”

so where does it come from? in Genesis, when God asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, Abraham is faithful and begins to prepare the altar. instead, God provides Abraham with a ram and spares his son. so Abraham named the place “Jireh” meaning “The Lord Will Provide.”

that’s what faith is. believing Jireh. 

i dove into my bible. hungry for learning. eager to learn more and more every day. because the more i understand about the bible the more i understand about myself. 

you would think i was writing this because it is over and finished, but life is still difficult. but the Lord provides. every day i see how He continually provides in my life. how He is working through me. every day i get to sit at His feet and serve Him. i am still learning, but i am changing. 

no story is complete until its over, and i’m no where close to done with what God has in store for me. and i’m more and more grateful every day for His presence and providence in my life. 

who am i? a child of God. nothing else matters. 

weirdly enough i’m back to social media and other than posting this and a few stories, i haven’t had any interest in the feed. so occasionally i may be on, but if i disappear from it again its because i’ve lost interest.

thank you for transforming me Lord to seek you. 

JIREH.