pursuit

i’ve spent a year listening. i’ve spent a year observing. i’ve spent a year changing.

i don’t even recognize the person i was this time last year. it’s safe to say that is a good thing. i think we all reach a time when we grow up, and this year was that phase for me. i could write an entire book on my experiences this year. and i think i just might.

as i look back at a year that felt extremely heavy, and painfully difficult, i am grateful, because God has had His hand placed on me every step of the way. this year, God sought me. God transformed me. God used me.

i’ve kept most of this year to myself. and what i’m recounting here - it’s really only the tip of the iceberg. i didn’t know whether i’d share my experiences, or keep them dear to my heart. for a girl who used to write her life story on her sleeve, i’ve become extremely private. part of that came with my job, but i think God has also shown me the importance of listening instead of sharing. however, i’ve felt extremely encouraged to reveal some of what i have experienced this year.

i complain about the church and people of faith more than i should. for years, i’ve held anger in my heart at the hypocrites around me, instead of forgiving them as i’m called to. one of the things i loathe the most about the christians of my generation, is they portray a beautiful, flawless life. a life with no sorrow, no problems, and no storms. yet i know we all wage war between our eyes and the back of our heads. what i’ve realized this year is we have a vulnerability problem. we refuse to be judged, so we keep all of our failures inside. we’ve forgotten that it is through our messy failures that we find our testimony.

by keeping all of our experiences inside, we perpetuate an unrealistic image of perfection. tell me this, are you more inspired by the girl who posts bible verses all over her instagram and makes her faith look like a picturesque fairytale, or by the story of David? between you and me, i’d choose David any day. David failed in his faith - a lot. if David were alive today and stepped foot in church, the gossip about his adultery and murder would be immense. David is remembered as one of history’s greatest sinners. but through all of his sin, David never failed to passionately pursue God.

even in his sin, David was anointed by God. we love David’s story because even though he failed, God still worked through David’s life, and loved David endlessly. we love David because his vulnerability to write his story allows us to see God’s goodness even in our own failures. we could all stand to take a page out of David’s book.

so i am stepping out of my comfort zone to take a moment to be vulnerable, and share my experiences over the past year to reveal what God has shown me. i know there are plenty of people who struggle with the same things i do, and i assume this is why God has asked me to be transparent with my trials. God has purpose for our pain. it’s up to us to see His purpose through it.

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not even a month after i graduated college, i moved my entire life to Virginia to work my dream job on Capitol Hill. i had no internship experience and to this day i question why my office chose to hire me. i’m extremely grateful they did. when i approach a situation i have little knowledge about, i tend to stand back and watch until i have a good enough understanding to take charge. that was my plan for my job, however, i didn’t realize it would slowly transform how i approached life and faith.

i had lived in DC for a week on January 6th 2021. i was in the Capitol Complex that day. i don’t often talk about my experience that day because i chose not to, but i remember sitting rigidly at my desk. normally i was not afraid to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but that day i didn’t want anyone to really know how scared i was. this was my first introduction to understanding that this wasn’t going to be an easy year for me personally.

i wrestled with God in January. i was determined to be in control of my life. my relationship with God was one of convenience - when i needed God i spent time with Him, otherwise i was too busy for Him. i was certain that when bad things happened in my life, God had walked away from me, and when good things happened, He was pleased with me.

in february i hit rock bottom. but little did i know, God was using rock bottom to refine me. in an effort to turn things around, i picked up my Bible and committed to rereading it. a part of me thought God would reward me for “good work” but as we all know, God’s love for us isn’t based on works. things got worse. in april i lost my best friend, and most of my college friend group. i didn’t have friends in DC, seeing as i didn’t ever fit the DC type. i kept praying for God to bring someone - anyone - into my life. i have never felt so alone in my whole life. i spent so many nights terrified, completely consumed with fear, thinking i had done something to deserve this.

God wanted me alone, because He wanted me to hear what He had to say. He wanted me to fully trust and rely on Him, and nothing else. even now while i write this i am completely overwhelmed at how much He loves me. it is so clear now how adamantly He was pursuing me. in a time where i felt like i was carrying everything, He was carrying me. when i felt abandoned, He was sitting right beside me. God was determined to reveal Himself to me. He had purpose behind every emotion that was raging through my head.

reading the Bible for the second time completely opened my eyes to who God is. i’ve spent years tangled in such an odd relationship with my faith. i’ve watched churches and christian people do everything in their power to destroy me, and to destroy my family. as i said earlier, i’m still working through not placing blame on God for that, but rather understanding that we are all broken people, and that we all make mistakes. i’ve been held captive to thinking seasons of difficulty are punishment, and that i wasn’t worthy to be loved by God.

a pastor told me once that my struggles with depression were misguided, because if i was truly a woman of God, i wouldn’t be depressed. i’m here to tell you, as a devout Christian, the enemy chooses to attack me through waves of depression and anxiety. i also believe it was the mouth of satan speaking through the pastor who told me i couldn’t be depressed and Christian. i found myself extremely depressed for the first few months of the year, when God was doing everything in His power to capture my attention. that’s when it hit me. could my depression be a result of satan’s anger over God’s pursuit of me? at a time where i felt like the weight of my depression was all i could see, what i realize now is how much God was working through me.

determined to let God win the war, i dug deeper into my faith. around the end of march and the beginning of april i came across the song Jireh by Elevation Worship and Maverick City Music. Jireh a Hebrew word, found in Genesis 22, and is the name Abraham uses when referring to the place where God delivered his son. it means “the Lord will provide.” at that time i didn’t see just how much the Lord was providing in my life, but trusted that He would provide.

He provided me the first positive church experience i’ve had in a long time. i vividly remember how torn i was trying to decide whether or not i would go. i woke up that sunday telling myself i couldn’t do it. i got ready step by step, and told myself if i reached a point of panic, i’d turn around and go back. i made it all the way to the corner of the street the church was on and couldn’t find it. i walked almost the entire perimeter of the property before i laid eyes on where the church was, and at that point i burst out in tears. i called my mom and told her i couldn’t do it, i couldn’t go in. however, i had to walk past the entrance of the church to get back to the metro. God wanted me there that day, so as i was hurrying past the entrance, the person who invited me saw me and called my name. needless to say i went to church that day.

He provided me an incredible job promotion that allowed me to do a job i love doing. although this year was a year of personal difficulty, it was a year of professional successes. through my job, He placed so many people of value in my life: mentors, friends, believers, and role models. people who stood by my side and lifted me up, people who inspired and promoted my faith, people who invested in me personally and professionally, and people who showed me what the love of Christ looks like, even when i did not deserve it.

He provided me food to eat, a roof over my head, money in my bank account, a family that truly loves me, and so much more.

at a time where i was held captive by depression, God was working through me the most He ever has. could it be that satan was so fearful of the presence of God in my life, that he plagued me with depression to cloud my vision to make me unable to see God’s work in my life? if i hadn’t chosen to seek the good in a time of desolation, i think i would have continued to live a life fearful to pursue a close relationship with my Creator, due to my own failures.

Job, who God adored, was viciously attacked by satan. but no matter what satan hurled at Job, Job remained steadfast in his faith. oh Lord let me be as faithful as your servant Job. Ezekiel bore the sins of his entire community, in a time of complete destruction. from Ezekiel came the remnants Nehemiah, Ezra, and Mordecai. and from Mordecai came the victory of Esther. if the remnant had not rebuilt the temple, how could Jesus tear the veil 500 years later?

this year, God provided my life with purpose.

“Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

my God is a God of victory. we read 41 chapters of the complete destruction of Job, but do we remember how the Lord blesses Job in the 42nd chapter? we know the Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years because of their disobedience, but do we remember Joshua tore down the walls of Jericho for them to enter the promiseland? Moses never entered the promiseland. Isaiah and Jeremiah never saw the results of their good work. sometimes we have to remember that God’s victory is generational. just because we do not see victory in our lifetime, does not mean our faith was not instrumental to victory in the future. if we aren’t vulnerable with our faith, we are unable to inspire faith in others.

our God is so good. His love for me consumes and overwhelms me completely, even when i fail. the more i choose to sit at His feet and listen, the more i understand just how vast and incredible His love is. it’s endless. every time we fail and ask for forgiveness, God washes us clean.

God never says our faith or our life will be easy. the more we pursue God, the more difficult it will get. but that’s the point of faith - seeing God’s goodness through satan’s attempts to disillusion us. you are never too broken to be utilized for God’s glory. it’s through grace and mercy that He works through all of us. He created you with a purpose. please don’t allow satan to manipulate and confuse you. you never know how God is working in and through your life.

In 2 Corinthians 7:11, Paul talks about our pain:

“9 Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. 10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. 11 For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter. - 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 (NKJV)

Paul teaches that in our sorrow produces diligence within us. we can choose to suffer loss for nothing in purposeless pain, or we can choose to see how God is working in our life through our hurts, which is used for good in us. if we never felt sorrow or loss, we’d have no reason to desire Heaven, or a relationship with our Creator. it’s the fatal flaw in satan’s plan, because the more he fills us with pain, the more we run to God.

i write all of this in a new season of difficult trials, not in a time of relief. it would be easier to sit here and say everything has improved, but just like Job, the more i pursue God, the more difficult things become. satan does not want us to pursue God, and is determined to do everything in his power to destroy our relationship with God. don’t let satan take over your life. satan can’t win when you have God on your side.

times full of difficulty bring so much learning, if you’re willing to sit and listen. and when things get heavy, remember God’s love for you. remember that He is a God of victory. remember that you are never alone. but most of all, remember to continually pursue Him.

always,

hms

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*Disclaimer: Any writings found on this site are personal and of my own accord, and are not in any relationship to my job or my employer.*